My name is Juan Francisco De Coronado, and there has been a recent string of events that have led me to write this piece and truly express what’s on my mind.
There comes a time in a man’s life when he must prove his worth, his potential, and put forth an effort to become all he can be. For most United Staters, this level of potential is never reached. The United Stations is at a disadvantage growing up because they solely rely on their technology to aid in their growth. In Ecuador, boys are raised into men. Through brutal and rigorous training that consists of battling lions, scaling mountains and even braving the piranha-infested Ecuador River with a wooden spoon for a paddle.
In my early years of living in Ecuador this tradition was no different. Papa Coronado knew his seed would go on to be the greatest warrior Ecuador has ever produced. So after my training was complete, my father taught me the maneuver I would go on to master for years to come…The German Suplex! Just like my great great great great great great great great grandfather, I would utilize this maneuver to claim my first victory when I sold out the Ecuadome. Since coming to the United Stations and CHIKARA, the results have been the same. Many have fallen to the German Suplex including: Jervis Cottonbelly, Billy Roc and even TNA superstar Rockstar Spud!
At King of Trios 2014, I was forced to attack Ashley Remington due to his total lack of respect toward the Coronado Family Legacy, as he “attempted” to perform a version of the German Suplex. Many of you United Staters have no sense of pride so I don’t expect you to understand my actions, justified as they are. Ashley Remington proved this when he later challenged me to a one on one contest. It truly had all the elements to be a recreation of the sellout I had back home in the Ecuadome. Except this time I was defeated, and by a variation of the German Suplex no less. Bad officiating aside, Ashley Remington was the better man that night. He in fact is quite the talented competitor. Unfortunately for Mr. Remington, I am a superior competitor and this showed to be true in our rematch.
As I pinned Ashley’s shoulders down to the mat, I could see the distress in his face. He knew that he’d been beat, by the Best German Suplex in the game! But he didn’t know why, and that’s what I am here to tell you. Juan Francisco De Coronado is better than Ashley Remington in any and every aspect. Ashley sails around the United Stations in a yacht, blasting 70’s soft rock. But Juan owns a fleet of Yachts back home in Ecuador. And hates soft rock!
Ashley hands out fruit baskets as a sign of friendship. But Juan is the Possessor of the Potassium. Ashley is attempting to perform the German Suplex. But Juan has mastered the German Suplex. Ashley Remington, anything you can do, Juan can do better!
So Ashley, that brings me to this Saturday, December the 6th. You and I will stand across the ring from each other to do battle one last time and finally settle this affair. We are in for quite the suplex waging war, Mr. Remington. I am the Juan-Man Army, The Juan and only, Juan of a Kind, a man of not only great successes but great Value. So as the bell rings, just remember, you cannot win…because I will not lose.