I didn’t see the acclaimed animated Disney feature “The Lion King” until I was 29 years of age. While at first, you might think missing out on seeing one of
my generation’s cinematic touchstones at “the right time” would leave me lacking certain developmental building blocks, the truth is that, had I seen that
film fifteen, ten, or even five years prior, I would never have been able to truly appreciate and fully process the movie’s themes of following in
your father’s footsteps and the inherent fears that come with trying to live up to his name while simultaneously living in his formidable shadow. As a
younger man, those motifs would have been lost on me, and I feel like 29 was the ideal age for me to learn those lessons.
Arbitrary age cut-offs always seemed wrong to me. Life isn’t divisible by five. Youth is about learning lessons that shape who we will become. Is there
an age restriction on learning lessons? How old is too old to become who you will become? Blue Ant, I have two words for you: Hakuna matata.
It is a Swahili phrase that means “no worries.”
You will not have to worry yourself with the tedious preparation for a shot at the Young Lions Cup. Because the age restriction for the Cup that I
put in place is anything but arbitrary. You are 28 years old. To compete for the Young Lions Cup, you must be 25 years old or younger. I realize
you've been very busy coming up with cute nicknames for your wrestling moves. Can't be bothered to check on something as simple as the age restriction for the YLC.
Don't worry, ol' Wink is still minding the store. Hakuna matata.
Speaking of Ants...HOLY MOLEY! Did you guys catch The Colony: Xtreme Force this past weekend in Florida?? Ol’ Wink’s hand-picked team of Missile Assault Ant,
Arctic Rescue Ant, and Orbit Adventure Ant blew away the competition in both matches, putting themselves squarely on the map with their flawless performances!
If I were the kind of guy who did such things, I’d be patting myself on the back right now, gloating about the glowing, faultless success that was my most recent
brainchild...but, of course, I’m not that kind of guy!
Incidentally, the one Ant whose flaws cost them the match in Orlando was Soldier Ant, creating an ugly blemish on the otherwise pristine record of
The Colony: Xtreme Force. Thankfully, through the use of my proprietary CHIKARAbermetrics program, the statistics of the respective Ants will accurately
represent the true details of the match. On an unrelated note, I would like to see the following Ants in my office on Monday, March 18th, at 9:00 AM: Fire Ant,
Green Ant, and Soldier Ant. While you’re at it, gentle-ants, please bring along your 2011 King of Trios medallions.
Now, before I can get back to approving this t-shirt design for The Colony: Xtreme Force, one last subject needs to be addressed:
Edward Kingston, current CHIKARA Grand Championship title holder.
To pre-emptively silence the inevitable chorus of “Wink doesn’t know
what he’s doing, he’s overstepping his bounds!”, allow me to point out exactly what the expanse of my executive powers include, with direct
source citation. The CHIKARA Charter Bylaws, Section VII, Article ii, as they relate to the powers of a sitting Director of Fun, clearly
state it is fully within my authority, if I so choose, to fire Eddie Kingston for not making his title defense as advertised in Orlando and
declare the Grand Championship vacant. Your fate within this company is completely at my discretion, Kingston, at my whim. But fret not, Edward, I
consider myself a benevolent Director! Rather than terminate you, I’ve decided to give you a reprieve. Instead of forcing you to
vacate the title, an option fully within my scope of power, I will be lining up all the top contenders for the Grand Championship, and I
will be starting with...Hallowicked! The winner of that title match will then go on to face Green Ant in a rescheduling of the missed Grand
Championship bout from Orlando. There are scores of worthy challengers, and I think many of them are growing impatient waiting for a championship opportunity.
In fact, now that I’m thinking of it, the CHIKARA Grand Championship will be defended on every single CHIKARA card from now on! I am certain that Hallowicked
will not only be a fine champion, but be assured he will also be a fighting champion, unlike a certain current Grand Champion who shall remain nameless.
And before any further comments are made about my decision, let me direct you, Mr. Kingston, all of CHIKARA, and the entire CHIKARA fanbase
back to my previous statement: Any action seen as disparaging toward my Directorship or the Vavasseur family name will not be tolerated. This
new CHIKARA Grand Championship mandate, like all my mandates, must be followed to the letter – or else.