I always look forward to CHIKARAís visits to the south. Especially North Carolina and Georgia, two of my favorite wrestling hotbeds! Plus,
this weekend was Greek Easter and I was going to spend it with my family and friends.
But there was something ominous afoot.
Right off the bat, CHIKARA Director of Fun Wink Vavasseur turned down my request to suspend Tim Donst and instead insinuated
that Iím, in fact, the one to blame. He further insinuates that ďI asked for it,Ē even though Iím
clearly the victim. Meaning Donst and Co. would be crawling around the venues; super unsafe especially since he already threatened me on
Then, only a few hours before I was to hit the road, I realized my car had been towed, but I got my car out of the pound and drove to North
Carolina with a smile on my face. Happy thoughts
of Cook-Out swirled in my head as I raced to Gibsonville, one of my favorite spots. As I was performing my top secret pre-show ritual,
I was jumped from behind. Donst, Jakob, Veronica and even Turtle all
grabbed a limb and stuffed me into a janitorís closet, duct taping my entire body into an immobile cocoon. They propped me against the wall and
locked the door.
Picking locks is a little something I learned from my punk rock friends on the Lower East Side. It took some time, but finally I was able to free
myself from the tape.
Halfway through the NC event, I was able to crawl my way out and expose Donst and his goons, but my night was ruined. I was picking tape off me
for the next two days. I missed half the matches locked in a closet. :(
This was humiliating, for sure, but the worst part is...Iím the host of CHIKARA! Not him. Iím the voice of CHIKARA and Gibsonville was
robbed of the full-on CHIKARA experience and forced to endure the pain of the ďTim Donst Makes Fun of Gavin Show.Ē
The following day on the way to Georgia, Gary and Shannon from Smart Mark Video decided to cheer me up and invite me to eat with
them at Abdullah the Butcherís House of Ribs and Chinese Food:
This was a great idea, and sure to make me forget spending hours locked up with a a mop and bucket. But on my way to meet them I
my GPS accidentally took me 30 miles out of the way, preventing me from going to my heroís official rib shack. No Egg Rolls.
No Chitterlings. Sigh.
Now I was depressed. I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was the roar of the CHIKARA fans in Porterdale, GA - and I was right!
From the debuting Shenron, to crazy trios war between The Colony: Xtreme Force (TM) vs. The Spectral Envoy & Green Ant, to insane tag action, the
Georgia faithful were red hot. They even cheered my protest song as we all chanted "U-S-A!" It was a great night.
Then came time for Tim Donst vs. Saturyne. As he bullied the young and talented luchadora much the same way he does me, I couldnít help but
wonder - why does he get to have a three-person cheering section? I took it upon myself to be
Saturyneís cheerleader and cheer her on to victory. And she pinned Donst's shoulders to the mat for the count of three.
The self-proclaimed "greatest Young Lions Cup champion" of all time fell to a relative rookie.
The next thing I know, I'm being scooped up, hoisted onto Donstís shoulders, and driven head-first into the canvas. I donít even remember being
When I woke up Sunday evening in the hospital, I looked at a clock and realized Iíd been out for a day. I missed Greek Easter. Then my car
broke down in Dillon, SC at South of the Border, and I had to take three buses. When I finally I got home, fed my starving cat,
and checked my emails, this is the first thing I see:
First of all, how is it my fault you had your stomach pumped? How is it my fault that you decided to cut a lock of my hair AGAIN (and eat it)?
How is it my fault you canít win a match fair and square, Tim?
Am I the reason you failed to win the Grand Championship? I didn't make you lose your hair or turn you into the most miserable,
cowardly troll in the history of CHIKARA. None of this is my fault.
Now more than ever, I feel my well-being is in jeopardy here in CHIKARA. A place I once loved to work has become a hazardous warzone,
and the Director of Fun doesn't seem to care. Iím a smart guy. Iíve got talent and I've got connections - I could announce events
anywhere. But I am NOT a pro-wrestler.
In Porterdale, we all had to listen to Tim Donst whine about losing his hair on June 2nd, 2012 to Hallowicked as the world watched on
iPay-Per-View. I understand how humiliating that must have been. I saw Tim Donst walk to the back, buzzed down to his scalp, with tears
welling up in his eyes. He was humbled.
Well come June 2nd, 2013, I'd like to see this psycho put in his place, Wink. And I know several people that would be perfect for the job.
How about submission specialist Green Ant? Someone that can go hold-for-hold with a wrestler the caliber of Tim Donst. What about Gran Akuma,
who can throw strikes with the best pro-wrestlers on the planet? I'm sure he could teach Donst a lesson in humility. Maybe Eddie
Kingston will be free, and he can shut Tim Donst up once and for all. There's three great match ideas, Wink. Don't mean to do your job for
you, but it seems like you barely know what you're doing as is.